If you need to calm down, pause. Think of the consequences and try to rationalise the situation and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, this does not mean you have lost a battle, in fact you have won.
I used to suffer with extreme rage, it was uncontrollable in particular towards my family who were equally the same back to me. It made me realise that more often than not you are met with what you give and vice versa. I noticed as I went through therapy and revealed hidden anger, I did not know what to do with it, so I exploded like I had witnessed in my past.
I will try to let you know how I cope now with my anger and see if it helps you in any way. So, upon years of reflection and isolation I learnt to be quiet and keep anger in – that way I wouldn’t upset anyone, and nobody would know they had hurt me. This is not healthy. Another form of anger is passive aggressiveness where we hurt people subtly, with intent to hurt. This is also not healthy! I am no angel to any of these, and I am still learning.
A few things you can take from this blog:
- – Anger is normal and everyone feels it
- – You can change how you respond to your feelings
- – People will sometimes upset you, it is how you deal with it that matters
- – It is not ok to be violently attacked, you do not deserve this
- – Therapy can help you understand how to healthily express anger
- – Walking away is sometimes the best option
When someone shouts and you don’t feel it is appropriate it is ok to calmly say you won’t be spoken to like that. This protects your self-worth, and if you do it in a calm but firm manner you are more likely to be heard. I think there is a fine balance with anger, we don’t always do It right – and that’s ok. Fight for what you believe in, but not the fights that hurt.
Violence can be a terrifying anger both to witness and be subject of. If you need to calm down, pause. Think of the consequences and try to rationalise the situation and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, this does not mean you have lost a battle, in fact you have won. If you are the witness, don’t get involved, find a safe space or leave and ask for help if things are really out of control.
If you have had an argument with someone this often leads to really upsetting feelings that stick with you. The best thing I have found is to give it time and space and not to forget your wellbeing and strength. People usually come around and things can be sorted out, so don’t think the aftermath will last forever.
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