In today’s increasingly diverse world, understanding gender identity is crucial. This blog post delves into a conversation between Tom and Joe, exploring the complexities of being transgender, the importance of allyship, and how to navigate these conversations with empathy and respect.
Join us as we break down common misconceptions and learn how to be a better ally.
Transgender what is it. What does it mean? How to be an ally.
When Tom was a teenager, he listened to songs played on his vinyl records. There were only four TV channels, men were men, women where women politics was about the economy. Joe, born generation Z, uses wireless headphones to listen to Spotify, watches Netflix movies on his pad and grew up living with identity politics. Both live on planet earth but their understanding of gender are time worlds apart.
They had one thing in common, trivia quizzing in their local pub. Last night, one of the questions, got them talking about transgender after the game had finished.
Tom sighs. “It all feels too complicated, what if I say the wrong word”? Joe tried to reassure John. “Gender identity and trans issues, understandably, can be confusing at first”. “I’m not expecting you to know everything about transgender right away”. Sensing Joe felt patronised, “if you say the wrong thing by accident, that’s OK, I am not going to cancel you”. Indeed, no one I know, is going to blame you”. “Understanding trans takes time” .
John, thought, maybe I am not going to be judged, if I ask some questions of Joe. “All these young people claiming to be transgender gender, surely, they are being informed by the social media”? Joe asked “what do you know about gender transition? Not much came the reply. “When I was young, sex was a subject my parents never talked to me”. “What does it mean to you”?
“Have you heard of cisgender”? asked Joe. “It means someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned to at birth”. “Assigned”? “It means when you were born, medical staff and your family decided your gender was based on what they saw in your physical male or female characteristics”. Joe explained, “My generation use the words cis or trans as neutral”. “That puts everyone on an equal footing”. “Your gender identity, depends on how you feel your identity really is”. ”It is about your physical body parts”. “It’s a myth about the social media, John”. Transitioning is not an impulsive decision from watching stuff on the internet”. “It is not an easy thing to decide on”. “You need to be determined to be nonbinary”. “It is not trendy”. “Most people who transition will not, regret this in later life”. “They do not detransition”.
“What does nonbinary mean”? asks John. Joe paused and drew breath. He explained. “Nonbinary is a general word for a person who does not identify themselves as male or female. Some see themselves as both male and female, others don’t identify with any edge any agenda”. “That’s weird, this is way out of my comfort zone” says John. “How then do I talk to someone”? Joe answers. “My generation are comfortable when talking to people we don’t know”. “We use pronouns”. “We don’t assume they are male or female by their appearance”. “We don’t suppose they will neatly fit into the binary identity”. “We usually start with asking what pronoun would they like to be addressed as”? “It is the same online in emails, and messaging”.
John laughed, “Well for me it’s pal or mate for a man. I used to use honey or dear to women I’m talking to, but it has being pointed out, that’s offensive”. Joe agreed but went further. “Imagine you came in into this pub chatting to people you don’t know. Not only do you ask for their name but also their pronoun”. “You say your name but also your pronoun he him”? John challenge Joe. “I just want to be known by my name John”. “Why is this all necessary”? Joe explained that in our society there is considerable social pressure to be straight. Many trans feel dangerously unsafe. Using pronouns creates social safety.
John is feeling more adventurous now, in his questions. “Surely children cannot be transgender, it only happens at puberty”? Joe replies. “People can discover they are transgender at any age. Trying to hold back your gender identity can damage your mental health. Some realise this as early as three years old”. “You’re joking”! John reveals his honest opinion. “I believe transgender people must hate their bodies”. Joe tries to bust this myth. “The difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves, can trigger devastating distress. It’s called gender dysphoria”. John looks puzzled. “Gender dysphoria is a diagnosable mental health condition”. “It is not the same as being trans”. “Treatment for gender dysphoria is confirming how they feel is real”. “It is not about trying to change your gender identity”.
John is curious. “All they want is hormone therapy and surgery. That’s what I read in my newspaper”? Joe disputes this. “Any way you transition that makes you feel comfortable in the way you see yourself, can be all that is needed”. “It does not have to be hormonal or surgery change”. “It could be a change in the form of clothing, mannerisms or a name change. For many, that this can be sufficient. Joe looked at John straight in the eye, “trans is not a mental illness”.
Jaune thinks about this for a moment. OK, what about the parents, are they at fault in some way? Joe says ”nothing parents do causes gender transition”. “Negative attitudes by mum or dads, do harm to their child’s well-being”. “It can need to self-blame, my fault”. “If your four year old son wants to wear a dress once or twice, this is not transgender”. Repeatedly, insisting over months or years, that she is a girl, is an indication of transgender. “I need another pint”. “This is all hard to swallow. Do you want one”? Joe smiles and nods.
With the glasses replenished with ale, they both sip their pints. “Not bad”, says Joe. “Yes, lovely”, John replies. “I have one last question”. “It must be tough, people making jokes behind their back, using the wrong name, or asking unwanted personal questions”. “That must make life lonely”. Joe is pleased with that question. “Being fearful of transgender people is common when you don’t have much understanding”. “They may not mean it but you end up treating then as less human, less worthy of respect, you would give others”. “Why don’t you become an ally”? “What is that”?
“It means listening to trans experiences, taking a small action if you hear negative remarks. Basically, it means amplifying trans voices”. “What does that mean”? Allyship means supporting any people who are socially excluded. It means being a friend to people you don’t know”.
The next day, Joe sends a message to John on how to be a trans ally.
Resist the urge that you can tell if someone is transgender. Try not to make assumptions on the way they dress. Listen with an open mind to the experiences of gender diverse people. There are many online resources available to help you understand trans experiences. Educational videos and podcasts written by trans individuals. It’s OK not to know how to treat a trans person but it’s not OK to not educate yourself.
Don’t know someone’s pronouns and embarrassed to ask?
Use their name wherever possible, along with gender neutral language. Avoid he/she, ladies/gentleman and use ‘they’ instead, until you know their pronouns. This will be hard at first. Keep going until it becomes natural. Some people prefer gender-neutral pronouns such as they/their and ze/zir. If you are unsure which pronoun to use, wait for an appropriate moment and ask. This gives people an opportunity to say theirs too. If someone has shared their gender identity with you, don’t tell others. Don’t tolerate disrespect from others. Whether it’s hurtful language, remarks or jokes, call it out if it’s inappropriate.
As you grow in your allyship and learn more about using inclusive language, you will probably start to notice transphobic language happening around you. Seek out other allies who will support you in this effort. Talk to your children/family members. Trans and non-binary people exist at all stages of life. Because of this, it’s OK to talk to others of all ages about gender identity and trans people.
Blog written by Chris Graham (views employees own)
